The Conflict I Didn’t Want But Needed

Conflict can either bring people together or break them apart. I agreed with the latter, viewing conflict as an axe that can split relationships, causing irreparable damage to friendships and families. Thus, it’s something I go out of my way to avoid — even at the cost of speaking my mind. But a recent incident swayed my perspective to the opposite end of the spectrum as I faced a hard conversation with someone I value. 

I will not bore you with the details for fear of sharing more than I should, but I will tell you that the discord escalated due to my unwarranted response. Granted, my feelings were valid, but my actions were not. My mind went to fight, flight, or freeze as if I were facing a life-or-death situation when I was dealing with a simple fight that could have been fixed with a gentle conversation.

I remember the episode in Brooklyn Nine-Nine where they attended a conflict resolution seminar from HR, and they all ended up cursing each other and pointing out everyone’s wrongs. Funny as it may seem, most of us go through the same process when faced with conflicts and petty fights.

I was never taught how to resolve conflict as a child, and I blindly navigated my way through it as an adult. I bet you can guess how my conflict resolution would go: reactive and emotional. However, this time was different. I wanted to deal with it in a healthy manner. How grown-up of me. My search for the best solution started, and I happened upon the book “Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson.

The book presents four steps to conflict resolution, the 4 G’s. Step one is Go Higher, which tackles the question of how you can honor God in this situation. Next is Get Real, a step that encourages you to take the high road and admit your fault. Third is Gently Engage, which teaches you how you can gently correct the person you’re in conflict with. Lastly, Get Together, which covers the most rewarding part, reconciliation.

I realize this approach might raise some red flags to some, but the authors clearly stated the proper way of executing the framework and tackling the root cause of why conflict arises. They also cautioned readers on situations where it might be best to walk away, especially when your safety is compromised. In my case, I was facing a mild conflict which, thankfully, can be nipped in the bud.

Upon reflecting for a day, we had a meaningful conversation that turned out way better than I expected. We both had the opportunity to express our thoughts and extend grace to one another. The conflict that I feared would permanently damage our relationship instead became an opportunity to understand each other more deeply.

If you’re facing conflict, I advise you to pause and take a moment to internalize the entire situation before reacting. Don’t follow my bad decisions and end up making a small matter go awry in a matter of minutes. Instead, look to the person and remember that they are not your enemy. Approach them with curiosity instead of assumptions, and with the intention to understand before being understood.

I used to think conflict was the beginning of the end. Now I wonder if unresolved conflict is the real culprit. Perhaps the conversations we avoid are the very ones that have the power to strengthen the relationships we value most.